my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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