if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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