he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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