I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
