if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
