It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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