end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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