Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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