just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
