first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
