i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
