Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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