Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize