I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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