everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
