I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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