well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
