your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
