She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i've created a new STD.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
