Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
how drunk are you?
Several
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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