That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
