I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize