I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
