I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
