Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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