dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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