I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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