I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
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