remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
