My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
pray to the hookup gods
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I want a musical about memes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
