This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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