rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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