my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
