I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize