yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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