She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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