I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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