I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
