Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
