Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
