i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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