my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
