Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
