Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
