broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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