life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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