I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
