Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
