Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
