PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
