Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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