Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
