He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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