I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
