Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
